Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Long Distance Relationship

Have you ever cry so hard just because of missing someone?
well I did.
and this is my story.

Exactly on the evening of 23th June 2012,
I finished my first year as a degree student here in UMT.
actually a lot of my coursemates already finished their finals by then
but as for Syafiq and I, we had the final speech for public speaking a little late.

Syafiq had to go to a camp but at the same time, he had to do the final speech.
Usually Syafiq accompanied me but that day since he had a program,
I had to go on my own.
So I was alone that day.
It's not like I don't have any friends, I do.
But I just don't really like to make commitments with people.
I don't like to be a burden to other people.
I don't like it when I have to depend on others so much,
I prefer to stand on my own two feet.

I remember Syafiq used to say in our early stages in this relationship,
he said that I was too independent and
there were no room for him to be someone that is helpful for me.
He asked me permission to carry my bag when I was holding like a bunch of stuff,
I decline.
He opened the door for me to allow me to go in the class first,
I asked him why he did that.

We had arguments over this.
Syafiq just want to be helpful and be there for me but I just don't understand.
That was Syafiq and I in the early stage.
Sooner later when we get to know more about each other,
we knew and understood why each of us did what we did.

Anyway, continuing the story for the final speech for Public Speaking.
Syafiq was there late, he arrived late that evening.
around 3 o'clock .
I remember Encik Nordin ,our lecturer for Public Speaking kept on asking me
'Where is Syafiq?'
Luckily, he manage to do the last presentation and alhamdulillah, he nailed it.

After that final speech ended, I knew that I had to go back to my room.
because my toiletries are not fully packed yet.
but suddenly it rained heavily , and I didn't bring any umbrella.
Syafiq said that he wanted to talk to Encik Nordin first before going back,
and at the time I want to pee so bad.
So I told him that I would meet him after I went to the toilet.
but when I got back, I can't see him anywhere.
I guess that he went to Encik Nordin's office.

Unfortunately,my cellphone was at Syafiq.
So I just sat there waiting.
I knew that he will come back and look at me.
Syafiq would never leave me like that.
So I was not worried.
I borrowed one of my coursemate's cellphone and asked him where he was.
and it was true, he was at our lecturer's office.
then I wait for him to come down.
while waiting, I felt something was not right.
saya rasa macam ada something yang about to happen.
I don't having these kind of feelings.
Then suddenly I shed tears and at that moment..Syafiq arrived next to me.
when he saw he cried, he felt really guilty.
he thought that I cried because of him.
because of him leaving me without any notice.

I assured him that he was not.
but he would not take that answer, instead he said all sorts of things to cheer me up.
He said,
 "Jangan lah sedih2, awak nak balik dah kan? orang nak balik,mana boleh sedih2. "
It was so sweet of him to do that.
It was raining, but Syafiq manage to make me smile.

After we chased and play around with each other at Jalan Biawak,
we both went out to rent a car.
and seriously, I was really really grumpy.
If my first sister was there, she would be really mad at me for behaving that way.
because it was not considerate at all.
I spent about 6 hours inside Makmal Bahasa 1 which are fully conditioned.
and I didn't even ate anything since the night before until that evening
because all the food shops were all closed.
so yes, I was Illiya-the-Grumpy-Tiger.
Syafiq knew about this and I even apologize to him beforehand
for being such an inconsiderate person.
Syafiq didn't get mad at me.
He just told me that "takde la. saya rasa awak ok je. inikan Illiya."
Then he smiled.
at that very moment, I feel very blessed.
He accepts me, even when I am in this horrible condition.
I finally found someone that really accept me for who I am.

After we rent the car, we went to a food shop near UMT and I finally eat something.
Syafiq accompanied me but he was the one yang makan banyak.
Haha,he was confused as well about that.

Balik itu, saya terus kemas semua benda in such a hurry.
It was 6.30 pm at that time and my flight was on 9.00 pm.
That means I have to be at the airport by 8.00pm.
So I had around only two hours to pack since I have to put all my belongings
at my rumah sewa.
So then,as usual..I freaked out that I that was going to miss the flight.
I kept on talking and talking with full nonsense.
that in the end making Syafiq felt really annoyed.
he tried to calm me down,but it wasn't working.
I remember that we had arguments.
It was not the best way to say goodbye.

I was so late that the flight was already about to board.
With much hurry, I am able to make it.
but one thing that I regret the most was leaving Syafiq with that condition.
We are not going to be meeting each other for about two months.
and this is how we said goodbye?
I was sad.
and guilty at the same time.
because I am the one that cause this situation to happen.

Before saying goodbye,I said that I was sorry.
but since it was in a hurry, the sorry didn't have the actual feel to it.
It was like I am only saying that because I should say it.
not because I really meant it.
but I still manage to properly salam Syafiq before I go.
he kissed me on the top of my head.

When I arrived and sat on the plane.
My cellphone vibrated and Syafiq messages to call him before I fly was shown.
Syafiq even miss called me a couple of times.
I was going to call him back, but then the stewardess asked me
to switch of my phone immediately.
"Please kindly switch your phone off,we are going to board in minutes."
The stewardess just stay by my side.
After I showed her that I already switch it off, then she moved to her place.

During that one hour flight, all I was doing was crying.
I can't imagine leaving Syafiq like that.
I am unable to tell him that I already boarding.
So many thoughts were racing on my mind at that time.
"Will he be waiting at the airport until I text him back?"
"Will he ok driving alone so late at night?"
"Will he be safe?"
"How about the money for the car rent? I forgot to give it to him."
"I've done so many things wrong today.I felt so guilty and wronged."
"Syafiq, he must be really mad at me."
Even though the flight was just a one-hour flight, it felt like forever.
During the flight all I did was cried.
I was crying so hard that even the stewardess came to me and asked me why.
She thought that I was scared of flying with a plane.
She thought that it was my first time flying on one.

My eyes were so red and the tears kept on coming.
The second reason I cried was because I shouldn't have left Syafiq like that.
but the first reason I cried was because I can't bare to be apart from him for two months.

I cried because I knew that I am going to miss him so much.
My heart really really hurt.
I never felt like this before.
It hurt so bad leaving someone that you really love.
Just recalling back these memories and writing this right now is bringing tears on my face.

After the flight arrived at Subang Airport, I immediately call Syafiq.
but when I called him, he was not in the mood and that he was disappointed with me.
he said that I should call him after I get home, settle things first.
At that moment, tears were coming down my face again.
what he said was true and I just follow what he said.
 and went to meet my parents who were already waiting for me.

When I got in the car, I try to hold back my tears.
I don't want my parents to know I cried.
When I got home, I immediately call him back and said I was sorry.
I cannot hold my tears any longer.
I cried on the phone.
Syafiq was silent.
I said that I was really sorry that I disappoint him.
and that I can't believe leaving someone you love really hurt this bad.
Then Syafiq said that it was alright and that he had forgiven me.

After that we slowly comfort each other back.
and things we were fine again.
but Syafiq is leaving for a camp tomorrow that night.
He'll be really busy that sometimes we are unable to even contact each other.
Like last Mid Semester break, I went to Japan and we never got connected because he was so busy.
So for this holiday,
I am mentally prepare.
So if  he was unable to contact me for days, I will still be alright.
That was I had in mind.
but as it turned out, I can't stand it.
I still miss him so very much.

Even if Syafiq busy and he was unable to contact me.
I still sent him a goodnight message every night and texted him if he was ok over there.
I want Syafiq to know that even though we don't contact each other,
that does not mean that we don't think and love each other.

Syafiq is so cute, even when he was busy at the camp.
every second that he had a free time, he would text or call me.
and even when he had to reply it really late.
we were still texting each other.
Sometimes he call and sometimes I call.
and even if I have problems and stories to share with him,
he still care to listen even though he was really busy.
He is always there for me.

Syafiq just got back from his camp and is currently in Penang right now.
I still miss him though.
but at least I know that we can still skype and call each other.
This long distance relationship is hard for both of us.
That is why I can't wait to get back to my university.
not because I want to study so fast but I want to see him so much.

For those who are really in a long distance relationship.
I felt in awe with you guys for being strong and holding on for so long.
because I can't.
I can't stand being far away from him.
I miss him so much.
But still I am glad that we apart, so that we can learn about love
and how to appreciate each other a little more.

Syafiq, if you are reading this..
I just want to say thank you for coming into my life
and made me the luckiest girl in the world.
I love you so much.
even sometimes I don't really know how to express it, but I really do love you.
saya minta maaf that awak bukan yang pertama.
but honestly,saya percaya kepada Allah swt dan susun atur-Nya.
I am glad that susun atur-Nya begini.
because if you were the first, I would probably make a mistake
and we will never had a chance to be together macam sekarang.
I lack in experience and you know that right?
but one thing for sure.
I know that one of the things I wanted the most in this life.
is having you as my last and forever.
Insyaallah kalau kita dua ada jodoh.
We have to keep on praying to Allah swt. :)