Today I am going to touch on a very sensitive topic.
I am going to write something honest, and I am not hoping for people to accept it right away.
Just want you to know, that this is my story.
Please don't judge me, instead take what is positive rather than negative.
If people have been knowing me for these past years,
they would have either knew me for real self or they have been listening to my stories being told from a person to a person and being assumed by others.
In this post, what I am going to told you about is about why i decided to change from wearing a normal size hijab to a longer in length hijab.
Or as people would called it 'tudung labuh'.
For me this topic is really sensitive because it does not only involve my level of iman-ness, but it involve all the people that involve around me and of course it involve the religion that i love, which is Islam.
Before August 2012 I couldn't care less about what I am wearing as to cover my aurat.
I was wearing skinny jeans to class, a see-through blouse, shawl that is so small that could easily see everything and on top of that the perfect every-time-you-make-a-step-people-will-turn-their-head high heels.
Yup,I was that girl.
The girl that wanted to be noticed and stand out from everyone else.
Unlike others, I love to wear things that makes me different from others.
It made me feel special.
It was totally normal for me for people to look at me from up to bottom with their judging eyes.
I am used to it.
Even during my matriculation days, we were told to wear Baju Kurung (a traditional apparel for Malay women in Malaysia) and a dark coloured closed-toe shoes but instead..I wore a Kebaya, with my super short shawl and even if I have to wear a longer size shawl, I would twist it and turn it all into a very short one.
and of course! striking coloured shoes was a must!
Not just that, even going through the tutorial class even if it is forbidden to polish your nails and there were lecturer's around..I would just polish my nails if I feel like it.
If five fingernails is too much for them to handle, fine. I will just paint three of them.
That was what I thought.
How bold am I right?
Even in the girls dorm, I was wearing short pants.
With hair being long and straighten and complete with coloured contact lenses.
The perfect combination of korean style.
I love myself.
I was so confidence.
Every time I turned my head, I know people will notice me.
and every time I smile, I know people will smile back at me too.
During my matriculation days, I was still dancing.
In the evening, I would just went to the dance gym and practice dancing like I usually do back home.
It didn't feel wrong at the time to do that, but right know when I realized it.
how embarrassing it was!
much said, 'Zaman Jahiliah'.
After my matriculation ended, I got to further my studies in University Malaysia Terengganu, UMT.
I was still like my old self, I was still wearing things that I assumed was covering my aurat.
But it clearly was not.
What triggered me to changed.
Not until around August 2012, my second semester in UMT i came across something on facebook.
Something that actually opened my eyes really wide.
What actually happened was,
I was scrolling my facebook home feed as usual and I came across a post.
The post said 'please report this page, it is offended to girls and women in Malaysia.'
I clicked the link and it turned out it was the page 'Himpunan Awek Melayu Cun'.
I never came across this page before but just as I scrolled down, there were many pictures of girls wearing very tight clothes and of course there were many naked pictures too.
I noticed that why one of my friend share the post to remove the page was because her picture was there! inside one of the page's album!
I read through all the post and it turned out, the admin of the page download the girls pictures and uploaded it back to the page.
So that he will have a complete album of pretty girls in very tight clothes and inappropriate positions.
At that moment, I thought if one of my friends picture was in there..which means anyone could be in there too!
So I checked every pictures and albums in the page and saw many offensive and inappropriate comments there.
What I notice the most was mostly the pictures in the album were girls with hijab.
At first I was confused, the girls in the pictures were wearing baju kurung and a hijab but why are the comments from the guys are so inappropriate?
For me there was nothing wrong with the way she dressed at all.
But I was totally wrong.
At that moment, I knew right away that this is how guys looked at girls.
They are not just see you, but instead they see right through you.
and sometimes even if you are already covering your aurat, they still can imagine what you are covering.
Starting from that moment on, I became very cautious.
Every time I put on my clothes I would think first on how I dress would effects my dignity as a muslim woman, and how I was actually covering my aurat.
I stop wearing skinny jeans, I started to pinned my hijab to the front to cover my chest area.
and not long before that I started wearing loose clothes with socks and hand socks.
I started to realized that how different it is between covering your aurat and wrapping your aurat.
When I was in KMS, I have a friend , her name is Syahirah.
I saw her transformed from being a basketball athlete into a pretty muslimah.
I saw the size of her shawl change from 45' to 50' and 55'.
During that time, I was actually amazed by her.
How she could changed like that?
What triggered her to change?
That thought had always puzzled my mind for quite sometimes.
Until I realized, that my time was about to come to.
It seems like Allah swt had opened my heart too.
just like He did with Syahirah's heart.
When Allah swt had given me the light, I started to follow it.
I prayed and supplicated to him.
Asking him if this is the right thing to do.
and am I ready for this?
I asked Syafiq, "Is it okay for me to wear 'tudung labuh'? Will you be fine? Will you still accept me? "
He just smile and said, "Benda tu dah memang baik, tak perlu tanya pendapat saya pun tak pe. Buat apa yang awak rasa baik untuk diri awak."
I was thankful he was very supportive.
Alhamdulillah I was at the part of my life that I already found someone for my future (insyaallah).
So it was easy to focus only on how to be a good person than to still mingling around to find a suitable partner for the future.
From that moment on,
I started to changed all my clothes.
I stop wearing trousers because my buttocks are quite large, so if I wear it will actually just enhance the size.
Sorry for being too honest.
So I just bought a black long skirt, pink long skirt, and even a blue long skirt.
Since I don't really have that much money to buy abaya and jubah which cost almost RM 150 for each at least,
so I decided to wear just a simple loose long sleeves t-shirts with a long skirt.
and on top of that I would match it up with a pair of handsock, a ballerina shoes plus muslimah sock,and a suitable colour akel 60' hijab.
and most of time I would just wear Baju Kurung because it just feel more comfortable that way.
|Tudung Akel Bidang 60'|
|Loose Long Sleeve T-shirt|
|Loose Long Sleeve T-shirt|
|Long Black Skirt|
|Muslimah Prayer Socks|
At first when I changed, it requires quite some of money.
I mean I was about to change all the clothes that I have.
To buy new shawl, new hijab, new blouse, new skirts, handsocks.
It cost me a little but it was worth it.
I bought the socks all at Tesco but it usually sell out really fast.
But if anyone reading this are interested to buy it online, i have the link.
1) Tudung Akel (Zarina Zaini Apparel)
They also sell Tudung Akel.
Tudung Akel is actually hard to find in retail stores.
If you are really interested, you can buy it online.
I bought mine all online.
But I have to buy it in bulk so that the postage would not cost me that much.
Oh ya, if you are interested with islamic or muslimah t-shirt, find it on deenify.com.
They make really nice clothes there.
Alhamdullillah, all of my family members supported me a lot.
Even Syafiq and my closest friends supported me too.
Wan even bought me long shawls from Egypt some more as a gift.
It was a relief to know that something good was very well accepted by many people.
After i started to wear tudung labuh, my first sister and mother changed the way they dress too!
Alhamdulillah, tenang hati suami mereka.
I think people who really search for whats good in life, definitely Allah swt will opened their hearts to good things.
Every thing have it's good and bad side.
If there is a positive feedback, it also must have it negative feedback right?
To be honest, take my advice.
If you want to wear a tudung labuh..you must first strengthen your mental first.
You must be mentally prepare for everything that people will say to you.
Mean things that people will say.
About your personality, your iman, your religion.
First thing that you must asked yourself is 'Are you really ready for this?'
As for me, I had a lot of people saying bad stuff about me.
Sometimes it doesn't even have to do with the tudung labuh.
It just about my personality.
But people would just blame the tudung right away because that was what they noticed first.
Some have said,
'Illiya tu, pakai je tudung labuh tapi perangai langsung tak macam orang bertudung labuh.'I even had big misunderstanding with my old roommate and she posted this on her public wall on facebook,
'Illiya tu pakai je tudung labuh, tapi dia tak baik mana pun.she still in a haram relationship juga. ada boyfriend bagai.'
"ya,walaupun saya ni pakai x la muslimah macam ko, ketawa pun hambur2, sembahyang pun lompat2, tapi tida la hipokrit macam ko tudung jak labuh tapi perangai, attitude cam sial..okbai'
People commented, 'Marah ja dirinya..jangan libatkan tudung dia..yg jahat dia..bukan tudungnya.. :) '
She then commented back, 'sebab tudungnya mmg xsalah, dia salah guna tudung dia..berselindung..'19 people like what she posted.
During that time, just as she posted it..I read it, I read it all.
I was just 1 meter distance from her, and I heard every phone conversation that she made, every little bad talk that she made about me.
But I am not mad at her.
I just sat there, thinking..
"Oh Allah swt, I am not being a very good muslimah, am I?'When this happened, I was almost at the stop of my tongue.
I don't know what to do.
I talked to my friends, they tried to cheer me on.
but it didn't help me loose this guilty feeling that I felt.
Then I had a talk with Syafiq,
I asked him,
'Awak rasa saya ni sebenarnya cukup baik ke nak pakai tudung labuh? Sebab ramai orang doesn't actually agree with me wearing it. Saya jahat. Perangai saya teruk. '
"And tentang relationship kita, we are not married. But we are close with each other, kat mana pun sentiasa nak bersama. Don't you think it's wrong? Zina datang dalam berbagai bentuk kan? Zina hati, zina lisan, zina mata, etc. It is still haram. What should I do then?'Secara jujur,saya pakai tudung labuh bukan sebab saya pasti yang saya ni cukup baik. I just wanted to become a better muslimah. Saya dah tak mahu buat dosa lagi. Saya tak nak pakai ketat-ketat lagi. I cannot bare myself to wrapped my aurat anymore. I can't. Even when I tried to go out for once without my socks, I barely made it within five minutes, then I ran to my room back to get it and put it back on.
I am not a perfect muslimah.
Some people have thoughts that if you want to wear a tudung labuh, you have to have a high level of deen.
'Kalau perangai kau macam tu, baik kau tak payah pakai tudung labuh lah. Buat malu agama sendiri sahaja.'
Even one of my friend have very sceptical issue about this, she said
'Masa sekolah dulu aku ada kenal seorang budak tudung labuh juga. Perangai dia teruk. Sejak daripada tu aku dah tak berapa percaya yang perempuan bertudung labuh ni semuanya yang baik. '
To wear this,you have to have a well respected personality.
I cannot deny.
That is true.
but human cannot be perfect.
we all make mistakes.
we are all still learning about life.
This is not Jannah, Dunya wasn't meant to be perfect.
That is why it is hard to find perfection in this world.
It is an impossible thing to do.
Because it do not exist.
I can't imagine how many days my eyes were filled with tears just thinking about this.
Like I posted in my older post,
In this life, our reason to live is just one.
That is to return ourselves to Allah swt like how He was once created us.
"kita lahir di dunia ini bukan untuk diri kita sendiri.Malah kita ini hanyalah hamba Allah swt dan lahir untuk mengesa kan Allah swt di muka bumi ini.Macam mana kita lahir di dunia ini dengan penuh wangi dan suci sewaktu kita bayi,macam itulah sepatutnya kita pulangkan diri kita kepada Allah swt sewaktu kita mati nanti."this is what really matters the most, but why am I doubting my ownself just because people have some negative thoughts about me.
should I be listening to them? or should I be listening to Him?
then I made a conclusion.
I have to listen to both of it.
Firstly, I need to change what is negative about me. Allah swt cannot actually tell me directly what is wrong in my life. But he can send someone to give that message to me. For instance, if my old roommate said something bad about me. Instead of being mad at her, I should know she said that because there was a reason. Because probably I was not being a good person. or because I did something wrong. That is where I have to reflect myself and fix my personality some more.
Secondly, I will try to be a better muslimah.
If I don't have the ability to compete with the pious in righteous deeds, I will just compete with sinners in seeking Allah's forgiveness.
Thirdly, about being in a haram relationship. I will fix on that, slowly.
It is kind of hard to totally change everything in just a blink of an eye.
But we are trying.
I hope within the next few years, insyaallah..if we are made for each other.
I hope to be married and dedicated my whole life just to be a dedicated wife, a loving mother, a responsible daughter and a better muslimah.
Lastly, I have to keep this in mind.
Because there are always reasons and lessons to be learnt for every incident that happened in my life.
Hari Raya Aidilfitri pun dah nak dekat ni.
Just few days away.
Selamat Hari Raya everyone.
and Maaf Zahir & Batin.